Forgiveness

Whether it’s in a book title or hidden deeply in the meandering sentences of the books stacked on my bedside table, the word forgiveness keeps popping up. When I first started going to astrologers and energy people a few years ago they too said forgiveness was part of my journey, but it was far too early in my process to really be able to grasp how to forgive, or more specifically release. I’m a Cancer, I like to hold tightly to things with my strong pincers.

There is nothing all that terrible in my life. Your basic run of the mill stuff, divorced parents, break ups, bad relationships. For the most part I think people would say I have a very nice life, certainly at this point. But despite all the material niceties that I am so lucky to have been afforded in my adult life there are things from my young life I have hung onto, things that I have allowed to drive the story of my life, even though they are no longer accurate, and maybe never were.

And so I have been on a quest to release those things, and forgive. Through my IIN health coaching program I was introduced to Joan Borysenko who gives the most soothing talk called Seventy Times Seven where she states that “forgiveness is not condoning evil or ignorant behavior,” but rather, “is an attitude that sets the forgiver free.” After listening to Seventy Times Seven the idea of forgiveness really started to loosen my grasp on some things that needed to be released. Caroline Myss’ Sacred Contracts, a book I’ve had forever but have still only managed to read the first few chapters, and a few of the archetypes, further loosened my grasp when I opened recently to this quote on pg. 51, “Without a doubt the choice to forgive is a greater challenge than remaining resentful, but this more difficult path will bring you peace and spiritual wisdom.” I think I’m finally coming to accept and appreciate that I wouldn’t have had the motivation to do some of the things I’ve done in life had some things been different…or more specifically, how I wanted them to be.

Maybe the hardest thing has been to forgive myself, for all the things I wish I’d done differently. I think part of why I’m drawn to design is that I have a belief that if I just craft the perfect system then everything will turn out how I want it. So silly, I know. It’s so easy to assume I have more control over things than I do, something I’m also learning on this spiritual journey. And I do mean spiritual, rather than religious. The books mentioned above may have mention to books and characters that are part of mainstream religion but my personal path is far wider than the mainstream.

An interesting parallel occurrence is that I am experiencing a sudden interest in New Wave music. I can’t quite figure out what the connection is, but I find myself listening to General Public’s Tenderness and Blondie’s Heart of Glass on repeat. I think there’s something about forgiveness that softens the heart, and allows a vulnerability for me that just couldn’t be there when I was holding so much anger, and I can embrace the fact that I do indeed have a tender heart. Protecting it all these years has had a safe, yet sometimes suffocating security. Forgiveness may lead to more heartbreak but for now there seems to be more freedom in that.

So this holiday season may I suggest trying a little tenderness and forgiveness. They might be the best gifts you can give anyone this holiday season, including yourself.