Patterns

The last five years have been an exercise in noticing my patterns and deciphering which ones I want to keep and which ones need to go. I find it interesting I chose weaving and drumming as creative exercises through this pursuit as both of them have pattern at their core. I believe there is something healing in both drumming and weaving because you use your brain and all of your extremities to create and vary pattern. This use of so many parts of the body essentially rewires the brain to find new pathways.

One of my patterns is to be overly critical of myself, something I think I will continue to try to rewire for my remaining years. I just hope that by the time I’m really old I just won’t care anymore. This pursuit of some imagined perfection is suffocating and often creates a lot of anger for me. I have a hard time expressing anger, so it ends up being a lot of internal heat that ravages my body. An example of a pattern that I still need to untangle.

As I go along in this untangling journey I have had the very good fortune of connecting with so many wonderful women who have helped me separate what stays and what I want to let go of. As a librarian, I can’t help but want to share the resources I’ve found useful and because I love the women who’ve helped me so much, this week’s post is a dedication to all of them.

I need to start with my oldest and dearest friend Kelly Keyser-Millar. We’ve been friends since 9th grade and at this point I don’t think there’s anything we haven’t faced together. She not only my most trusted friend, she is also a super talented guide with a wide range of tricks in her satchel including master herbalist, energy practitioner, tarot reader, and all around intuitive witchiness. She is not afraid to look in the dark, she’s faced plenty of her own. She is a confident, and competent guide who carries a big stick and the brightest light there is as she walks with all those she helps to unearth the root of what ails us, both physically and mentally. She holds you to your shit, walks with you as you discover your patterns, all with the strong and loving hand of your favorite teacher. She wants nothing more than to see those she helps find their own way out of what’s keeping them in the dark.

As I’ve mentioned before I am a bit of an astrology nerd and I find most things in the realm of woo quite interesting and helpful. For me astrology is really just a map of what I’m working with in this life, with some hints of what I might have been dealing with in past lives. My favorite astrologers are Astrology by Anne, Heidi Rose Robbins, Grace Harrington Murdoch, and Crystal B. Each astrologer has a different style and resonates with a different part of me. Renee Walsh has been such an amazing resource with her vast knowledge of Destiny Cards and intuitive skills This system uses your birthday and the cards in a regular playing deck of cards to offer insight into this life’s journey. Liz Varney has helped me write from my shadow and give me insight into my Akashic Records. Jessica Dore is a master of combining Tarot, myth, and her psychological training whose offereings always get to the heart of what I’m experiencing.

My fiber pursuits have led me to the door of so many talented and creative women. Mihoko Wakabayashi is the stunningly talented hand behind Saori Worcester. She is a patient, gentle and passionate teacher of the art and philosophy of Saori weaving as well as natural dyeing. I was also fortunate enough to be part of the Fiber Lab led by Jodi Colella who is all too happy to take her students on a playful journey through all things fiber art. Her vast knowledge and beginners mindset made Fiber Lab a transformative experience for me. And finally, my dear Cazimi Collaborative counterparts, Emily O’Hara and Morgan von Prelle Pecelli. With them I have learned how to let my imagination run and then turn our dream creations into something concrete. We each bring something different to the table, Emily with her weaving and metal smithing experience, and Morgan with her dance and strategy skills, make our little collaborative something that is much stronger than if we worked individually.

Music has been such a big part of my life pretty much ever since I can remember. Listening to Elvis with my uncles as a kid to Def Leppard in middle school to the sound healing I talk about in the Power of Sound post. At any concert I always zeroed in on the drummer. They keep the time, they have so much power. And so when I started taking drum lessons with Dani at The Real School I was so nervous and excited. It was even better that my teacher was a kick ass woman with blue hair (at the time, it changes regularly). She can play anything and is so patient with me as I stumble through the simplest of beats.

Christi Krug helped me get my story down on paper and bring old narratives up to the surface to be rewritten. Her Wildfire Writing style is freeing and encouraging. My work with Christi clued me into something called Narrative Therapy and although I don’t see a narrative therapist (and Christi isn’t one either) I think it’s important to consider the stories we tell ourselves about our lives and look for ways in which those stories miss a lot of other details about our life experience that creates a more full and varied narrative.

To show my body a little love, to balance out all that aforementioned self criticism, I couldn’t live without Mellisa Belliard at Harmony Integrative Bodywork. The body holds onto things we think we’ve long since released. Those little nuggets find cozy corners to burrow into and it takes a skilled professional to help move them up and out. I’d go to Melissa every week if I could.

And finally, I want to mention Jennessa Durrani and her A Daily Practice community. Jennessa is both an amazing artist and whiz at helping her community members create structure to achieve their goals and dreams. The community of mostly middle aged women, many of them moms, and has been a great place to find kinship and solace with others who are feeling as lost and disconnected as I have been while also introducing me to new techniques and practitioners to help on the journey of life.

I offer these resources to anyone who is out there seeking and not sure where to look. So often we are not even aware of the patterns in our lives that are keeping us from what we really want. To quote Einstein, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It’s so easy to keep doing what feels normal and like what we should be doing, only to realize those patterns are the very things that are creating the problem.

Most of these practitioners are accessible from anywhere thanks to the pandemic but for the in person practitioners like massage and music lessons if you’re not in the Boston area and you’re interested in those kinds of things I urge you to look into practitioners in your area. Your body and mind will thank you for it.

There are so many ways to walk this human journey and so many people who have tools to help along the way. I wish everyone a loving and meaningful adventure.